Another week, another episode just filled with Jamie and Claire moping. I know. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve committed to this for you dear reader, though, so here you go. Though I might have to figure out how to make these recaps shorter.

Spoiler alert: Recap of Outlander season three, episode nine: The Doldrums


Last week we left Jamie and Claire without a boat and having lost both the jewels AND Young Ian to unexpected pirates.

How are they going to tell Hero Jenny about her kidnapped son? Oh, you know. They don’t. Instead, they lie and say they’re heading to France. I imagine it went like this:

Jenny: Well, good luck to ye as ye cross Britain and sail the sea to France to sell the jewels. Ken I see them?

Jaimie: I ken not show them to ye. They’re, uh, already packed up and ye ken how it is. Everything fits just perfect and I was barely able ta close my bag. I don’t want to mess things up and delay our trip.

Claire: Plus, you have a lot of small children in this house and based on my education from 1960, er, 1760, I know that small children on farms will steal the shiny gems to buy food. If you’d like, I have a book from Doctor Spock that will tell you all the ways to properly raise a child and show you all the things you’re doing wrong. It has color pictures. If Jamie and I had had a daughter, I would have read it cover to cover as I raised her with another man.

Jenny: ???

Jamie: Ah, Claire has the vapors and isn’t in her right mind. She’s talking about colonial stuff. Ye ken how the people in the colonies are. Weird and full o’ the devil.

Jenny: Oh. Um, okay. Well where is m’boy? I wish to send him off with words of wisdom before he goes away for months on this journey ta save our family and mostly, as we all ken, save your stupid arse, Jamie.

Jamie: Oh, ah, well, Young Ian isn’t here. He had ta take the horse for a wash and then run to the convenience store for some travel snacks.

Jenny: ???

Claire: What Jamie meant to say is that we sent Young Ian ahead to scout for thieves who might want to steal our heavy box of jewels that is clearly packed perfectly in Jamie’s sack and not stolen by human-trafficking pirates. You can trust me on that. As healer with a far superior education from 1960, er, 1760, I have read up on what traveling was like in this time period and one cannot be too trusting of strangers who may approach us and steal whatever I have in my many skit pockets. Many items which would change the course of history.

Jenny: ???

Jamie: So, yeah. Um, love you, love to Regular Ian and your house full of kids. Please say goodbye ta’ my second first family! I’m sure that I won’t run into them again until I’m back from Paris because I can’t imagine that I’d ever see them again on the boat. To Paris. Because we are definitely going to Paris.

But alas, we are instead treated to new credits. With blue skies, beautiful seas, flags flapping in the wind and boats. Lots and lots of boats. No small boats to take young scoundrels to an island about 20 feet from the shore. But they apparently have a lot of big boats taking them across the seas. So, only for escape.

We’re heading to Jamaica you guys! Where Young Ian could be worth a lot of money if he just keeps his wits about him. Based on Young Ian’s previous choices, I feel really confident that he is going to keep those wits. Probably in a locked box that gets thrown overboard.

FUN FACT: Redheads and women are bad luck on sailing ships. Unfortunately, between Jamie and Claire we have both a redhead and a woman. Thankfully, all they have to do is touch a horseshoe to keep those superstitions in check. This show is super subtle, you guys.

As they touch the horseshoe and the ship heads out to sea, Jamie sees a completely expected unexpected face: Fergus is on the boat. But what?!? He’s married. To Marsali, Jamie’s step daughter. I did not see her reappearance coming at all.

But, unlike Claire and Jamie, they haven’t had sex, so it’s not binding yet. However, Marsali is angry at Jamie for some reason to do with leaving her mother for Claire. Totally seems unfair to Jamie and Claire, but who am I to judge.

Jamie has an AMAZING idea, though, to keep the marriage from becoming permanent. While they are in the middle of the sea not heading to Paris, they’re going to keep the newlyweds apart. Jamie is going to room with Fergus and Claire is going to room with Marsali. No sexy time for anyone it appears.

Time passes. Slowly. Soon, Claire is helping someone who was hit by a sailboat thing and apparently it’s all due to bad luck and someone not touching the horse shoe. I’m sure, yet again, this isn’t foreshadowing of things to come.

Because no one is getting sexy time and they’re stuck in the middle of the ocean, this is a pretty mopey conversation-heavy episode. Seriously, doesn’t anyone have a game or interesting story to tell? Out of sheer boredom, Jamie slut-shames Fergus. See, Fergus can’t be in love with Marsali because he’s had sex with a number of women. Jamie doesn’t seem like a very nice father-figure to this kid. A kid who lost his hand, BTdubs, because Jamie was all sad and mopey and Fergus had to save his life. But whatevs.

FUN FACT: According to the captain, bare breasts calm angry seas. That’s why ships have naked women on them. Not because sailors like to oogle and objectify women, but to calm the sea. We know this because Claire and Jamie get to regularly have dinner with the captain. From him we learn that the crew is pretty superstitions. Claire is having none of this because she is far smarter than every single person in the 1760s. Kudos to the captain for not ever stabbing her with a fork during their meals.

FUN FACT: Retching can twist your testicles and then they’ll have to be removed.

This matters because Jamie gets super seasick. Doctor Claire has been giving him tea that has made everything better because she is a great healer from the future. Except…

Yi Tien Cho aka Willoughby is using acupuncture for the retching. It wasn’t Claire’s gross tea. But Jamie didn’t tell Claire so as to not hurt her feelings. She found out, though. She always finds out.

And then she actually had the nerve to say to Jamie, “You honestly think I’d want you to suffer to save my pride?” Yes, Claire. Yes I do. Why? Because I’ve watched all of the season three episodes you selfish, selfish woman from the future.

It’s at this point that the ship stops and they go running to the deck. Oh no! There is no wind! It’s the bad luck come to roost because someone didn’t touch the horseshoe. Based on the shifty eyes, I suspect it’s one of Jamie’s smuggler friends, Hayes.

Time passes with no indication of time passing other than Claire’s narration. They have been stuck for weeks. The water has gone bad. They’re running out of food. The men want to Jonah the shit out of Hayes and throw him overboard. The captain doesn’t think he can stop it. If only there had been some way to see this coming!

Hayes drunkenly climbs the mast and is going to throw himself off the ship because he may or may not have touched the horseshoe prior to embarking on the high seas. Of course, Jamie stops him.

Mutiny is beginning and cannot be stopped. Or can it? Yi Tien Cho/Willoughby begins to tell his story. Earlier, almost as if signaling the importance of telling his story, he told Claire he didn’t want to share his story because once he told it, he had to let it go and wasn’t ready to let it go yet. It’s time, though and he tells the story to the sailors and stops the mutiny. It’s the story of how he loved woman. Not a woman, all women. And could not become a storyteller in the Emperor’s family because he wanted sexy time with all the women. So he fled to where his words are like the clucking as hens and women are not worth loving. I’m guessing he means Scotland and England (so don’t think you’re excluded Sassy-nack). In any case, he has lost everything because he would not surrender his manhood (by becoming a eunuch). And he is sad. And the men are sad. And he throws his story to the sea. But it flies away. Because the wind picks up.  I’m still not 100 percent sure how Yi Tien Cho/Willoughby’s poorly crafted Rom-Com stopped a mutiny

With the rain and fresh water, Jamie and Claire finally get sexy time. On the stored sails or food bags or something. But Claire and Jamie even ruined hot sexy time by talking about their feelings and discomfort. Seriously, people! You’ve had weeks of the ship not doing anything where you could sit and whine about your divergent paths. Can’t you nap after sex like the rest of us? Claire just makes everything so much more work.

Soon a British ship finds them and boards. Let’s take a moment here, because while things are about to get dramatic, the name of the ship is the Porpoise. The Porpoise. Let that settle. The ship that is probably going to cause more trauma for Jamie and Claire is called the Porpoise.

Anyway, they are looking for help because the Porpoise’s 12-year-old acting captain needs a doctor. Based on their symptoms, they have typhoid but thankfully Claire was inoculated in the 1960s so she can go help them! What a coincidence! And how fortunate that it’s not a different strain or that anything mutated in 200 years. She just needs to check in on the young crew and will be returned to her husband. I can’t imagine that Jamie and Claire are going to get separated again. Nothing like that would EVER happen on this show.

But the ship takes off. They want to get to land quickly to save their crew. Ah, man. Jamie and Clair FINALLY have sexy time and then she is kidnapped by a British captain? What are the odds? Thankfully, they are both headed to Jamaica and Teenage Captain has promised that the British government will put her up at the Four Seasons until Jamie reaches the island.

What’s going to happen next? Since this show is terrible at giving us viewers any hints about what’s to come, I simply have no idea.

This week’s knits

Only two that I found (because all of the fashion focus was on the jaunty way Pirate Claire can wear her apothecary skirt now with more belt!)

Do you watch Outlander? What do you think is going to happen next? Let me know in the comments and no fair using spoilers from the books!

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